What is Gaslighting?

“Gaslighting” is a term that comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light that was made into a popular movie in 1944, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyd; in the play and the film, the husband manipulates his adoring and trusting wife into believing she can no longer trust her own perceptions of reality… he “gaslights” her.

When talking about relationships, and more specifically abusive relationships, gaslighting refers to: “the act of undermining another person’s reality by deny facts, the environment around them, or their feelings”. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where an abuser misleads a victim, creating a false narrative, and makes them feel unsure about their own perceptions of the world and makes a victim wonder if they are losing their sanity. Those who make the choice to gaslight their partner may use a variety of techniques to manipulate their partner as a way to gain power and control.

The techniques used to gaslight can include:

  •  Withholding

    • An abuser pretends not to understand or refuses to listen.
      “I don’t want to hear this anymore,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”

  • Countering

    • An abuser will question a victim’s memories of events- even when the victim remembers the event(s) accurately.
      “You’re wrong, that’s not how it happened.” or “That’s what you said/thought last time but it was incorrect.”

  • Blocking/Diverting

    • An abuser changes subjects and/or questions a victim and their thoughts.
      “You’re imagining things.” or “Is that what [friend/family member] told you?”

  • Trivializing

    • An abuser makes a victim’s needs and/or feelings seem unimportant.
      “You’re going to get mad over something small like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”

  • Forgetting/Denial

    • An abuser will pretend to have forgotten what actually occurred or deny things, such as promises made to a victim.
      “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” or “You’re making that up.”

Gaslighting, like most abuse, happens gradually in a relationship. An abuser’s actions may seem harmless at first but over time the patterns or emotional abuse and gaslighting can make a victim feel confused, anxious, isolated, depressed, and may make a victim more reliant on their abuser. A victim of domestic violence who experiences gaslighting may not trust their own perspective, making it difficult to leave an abusive relationship.

 Signs you may be experiencing gaslighting:

  •  You constantly second guess yourself

    • You frequently wonder if you correctly remember details of past events- you may have stopped sharing what you remember because you fear your memory is wrong.

    • You feel as though you used to be a very different person – you were more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed, etc.

  • You doubt your feelings and reality

    • You attempt to convince yourself that the abuse you receive is not that bad or that you are too sensitive.

  • You feel alone and powerless

    • You are convinced that everyone around you thinks you are "strange," "crazy," or "unstable," just like the person gaslighting you says.

    • You feel hopeless and joyless- in your relationship (and potentially in your life).

  • You spend a lot of time apologizing

    • You’re always apologizing to your partner; you feel as though you need to apologize often for what you do or who you are.

    • You are frequently making excuses for your partner and their behavior to friends and/or family.

  • You question your judgment and perceptions

    • You are afraid to speak up or express your emotions. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.

    • You spend a lot of your time feeling confused in your relationship.

  • You feel vulnerable and insecure

    • You often feel as though you "walk on eggshells" around your partner. You feel on edge and lack self-esteem.

    • You wonder if you are “good enough”.

  • You struggle to make decisions because you distrust yourself

    • You would rather your partner make decisions for you and may avoid decision-making altogether, even simple decisions.

  • You wonder what's wrong with you

    • You wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. In other words, you worry that you are not well mentally.

    • You can’t understand why, with so many (apparently) good things in your life, you aren’t happier.

  • You wonder if you are what they say you are

    • The person who abuses you says words or other things to make you feel like you are wrong, unintelligent, inadequate, or insane. You may even find yourself repeating those statements to yourself.

  • You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become

    • For example, you feel like you are weak and/or passive and that you used to be stronger and more assertive.

  • You feel confused

    • The behavior of the person gaslighting you confuses you, almost as if they are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

    • You start lying to avoid the put downs and confusion.

  • You worry that you are too sensitive

    • Your partner minimizes hurtful behaviors or words and how they make you feel.

  • You have a sense of impending doom

    • You feel as though something awful is about to happen when you are around your partner; you may feel threatened or on edge and not know why.

  • You feel inadequate

    • You never feel "good enough." You try to live up to expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable and/or unobtainable.

  • You assume others are disappointed in you

    • You apologize for what you do or who you are, assuming that you have let your partner, or those around you, down or that you have somehow made a mistake.

    • You may find yourself withholding information or lying to friends and/or family so you don’t have to make excuses or explain what is happening and how you’re feeling.

Abusers that use gaslighting as an abusive tactic may say phrases such as: “You’re so sensitive!”, “You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?”, “I was just joking!”, “It’s no big deal.”, “You’re hysterical.”, “There you go again, you are so ungrateful.”, and/or “Nobody believes you, why should I?”

If any of this sounds familiar, remember, abuse is NEVER a victim’s fault. Relationships should build someone up, not break them down and make them feel unsafe, insecure, or that they’re “losing it”. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that an abuser uses to gain power and control over their partner and it is never an acceptable part of a relationship.

We are always here for you when you need to talk. Call or text our 24-Hour Helpline: 216.391.4357 (HELP) or live chat.

journey blogMegan GergenJourney Center, Blog, Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting